Word vomit in coming

What the fuck is this? My ideas on “paper” instead of just letting them be a passing thought. This will be a messy post I just want to let all these thought out right now. There is not going to be any real organization here sorry in advance.

Let me tell you how I’m feeling and what’s going on inside my brain right now. I’m extremely depressed and anxious. This latest battle with my depression and anxiety has been happening sense the beginning of the year. I have just been sinking for a long time. Today is the first time in a while I was genuinely happy and its all because I let my feelings out to a good friend and I was completely honest as I was typing, it was one hundred percent me, my feelings and thoughts. It’s crazy how much talking to someone helps especially when its someone you can totally just be your self around. I need to get to this point with my therapist. I’m sure he would be able to help me get through things if I just talked him. The only problem is when I talk about this stuff out load I get all chocked up and forget what I want to say or even how to say it, but I have recently discovered something: I can type my feelings out without getting choked up or lose what I’m trying to say. So fuck it I’ll put my feelings down in a blog. Question to my self: How is writing a blog going to help me with my depression and anxiety? I don’t have an answer but maybe I don’t need the answer before I write the blog the answer may come through writing the blog. Even though right now it’s taking all the energy that I have just to stay alive, if I push my self to type out my feelings it might just be the fist step towards better meant health.

I have been working on my writing skills lately well its more my ability to be understood. I am dyslexic, a horrible speller (thank the gods for spell check), and I’m not the best at grammar. I’m not looking to be a professional writer or anything I just want to be sure that when I am writing I can be understood. I am re-reading everything I type now and that’s helping me catch a lot of my mistake. I know duh but I don’t like reading. haha

So I smoke weed and it helps my back pain and with my depression and anxiety. My therapist wants me to stop smoking but I just don’t want to. Now I’m going to try and explain why I don’t want to quite. Now this is just how I feel no science just feelings. I mean I have quiet before for a while when I lived with my older brother because “pot is bad but getting drunk just as often is fine” I don’t understand this way of thinking it just makes no sense to me but the whole time I lived with him and his family I didn’t smoke at all cause I respect him. I smoke now that I live alone though. When I first started to get high it was to just escape my feelings (that’s why I used to drink so much when I wasn’t smoking) and have fun but I learned that while I was high I could analyze my feeling as they happened and that brings us back to why I don’t want to quit. Lets start with a story about the fist time I had a panic attack while I was high. I can’t remember what started it (probably something dumb) but as it was happening it was in slow motion. I understood after years of going to doctors, therapist, friends, and family I finally, finally learned what my panic attacks actually look and feel like. I had tried to explain my panic attacks to others before this happened but all I knew was that I would just feel off and laying down and crying fixed it. See no understanding there. Now if someone asked me what my panic attacks look like I can explain it. I’m just saying that I have learned a lot about how I feel deep down and because of this I have been able to work through some trauma on my own. I also smoke weed to be creative whether that be in, a video game, DnD world building, or some work on my website. You know the funny thing is I’m not even high right now. I have been up all night working on writing out my feelings and thoughts and I just haven’t had time to smoke. Just to be clear I’m in no way saying I’ll be a pot head my whole life but for now I enjoy smoking and I think it’s helping me through this rough time. When my therapist told me not to smoke he just told me the medical reasons but it wasn’t enough to convince me to quit. I suppose that’s because I’m not smoking weed to just get high anymore there is something else driving it. For example to be creative, because my back hurts, and/or I want to feel my emotions in depth.

For some reason these thoughts and emotions needed to be type. So here they are in all there glory haha. I don’t know if I should post like this its messy but so is my brain. This could have been multiple posts but I didn’t want to break the flow of thoughts. Now that is all my word vomit (for now) thank you for reading.

Ps. If your are my therapist sorry for not being this open with you from the beginning.

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