Was that a panic attack?

This question came up after I was “freaking out” and having a conversation with a friend. At first I thought I was having a panic attack but it was different than what I am used to feeling. I talked with my friend for over an hour without realizing it and through all this I came to a realization: I need to start taking my mental health more seriously. Here is how I came to that realization:

Let me first explain what a panic attack looks like for me. It starts with my legs shaking, then the fast paced breathing starts, And I just get this weird feeling (that I cant put in words right now) and that’s when I get into bed, curl up into a ball and cry while I listen to sad songs. (Yes I listen to sad songs when I’m sad, they help calm me.) This usually last for about 15 min or so. After my panic attack happens I get extremely drained of all energy and I am useless for the rest of the day. This all happens in private and I don’t talk to anyone about it.

Now this “freaking out” I was talking about in the beginning started out like a normal panic attack. For some reason I told my friend. I told him I was feeling funny and wasn’t sure if it was because I drank to many energy drinks (I really don’t drink them that much but for some reason had 2 in one night), or because I hadn’t really eaten anything all day. By the time my friend was able to respond to me I finally connected the dots and thought I was about to have a panic attack. I was preparing for the usual but I felt this, well I don’t know how to explain it exactly but it was a kind of energy boost for my brain. At that moment I just hyper focused on talking to my friend. Usually I hide my feelings but I was open and honest in this conversation. I typed out so many of the “what if” situations going through my head. After I hit send I was so scared of being judged but judgement never came. This was weird to me I never thought I could tell anyone what I was thinking. I’ve always been scared to tell anyone what is truly happening to me from inside my own brain. Sure I have a therapist (that I pay to listen to me) and a life couch but I have never been more honest about how and what I was exactly feeling than when I was in that conversation. That conversation is what brought me to right this.

I need to work through my issues, not just ignore them. I don’t know what that is going to look like but I think this post is a good start. My life is currently falling apart (another post maybe) but who knows, if I’m able to get my mental health better I might just be able to pull things together.

I made this website/blog not to long ago mainly for all my DnD (dungeon and Dragons) content and to write about some personal stuff. DnD is my way of expressing my creativity. (I am trying to create an entire world from scratch.) To be honest though the personal stuff was just so I could tell my therapist I started a blog and was getting my feelings out there. It’s time I take something in my life seriously and this might be where I start. Yes, I know there are more important things I should be taking seriously like work, social life, physical health, and mental health. I’ve tried to make those things important but I always end up back to being depressed and in a new hole after not to long. I know I’m a lazy, depressed, anxiety filled human. I want to change and maybe just maybe this right here is the first step to getting better.

For anyone wondering yes I am scared as hell to post this but you have to take that fist step, right? If I manage to press the publish button then I am going to share this with my life coach and therapist the next time I meet with each of them. Well that’s the plan anyway but I know I will be scared to follow through on sharing this with them. There are still people I am way to scared to share this with but here I am sharing it to random strangers on the internet. Plus what are the chances of them finding this if I never tell them I have a website? Close to zero, right?

Thank you for reading and if you are someone I have personally sent this to we don’t need to talk about it I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Ps. To answer the question “Was that a panic attack?” I still have no idea… but it got me to work on myself so I’m glad it happened.

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