Brain Please Stop Being Dumb

Why is my head so messed up is it the anxiety, the depression, the trauma, or is it something else. Maybe a combination of all of them who knows? I fuck up sometimes and say things that hurt other people. I say things just trying to fit in the only problem with that is I don’t think first I just speak cause I want attention. This could be a small lie to fit into the conversation/group, an off putting/politically incorrect “joke”, me just straight up being an asshole, or me just trying to one up someone else’s story with my own. I Noticed these attributes in my self a few years ago (around the same time I started smoking weed) and I have been doing my best to not do any of those things but sadly I am human. Just the other day I fucked up and said a “joke” and it rubbed my friends the wrong way. And yes it should have rubbed them the wrong way it was a dumb and unkind thing to say. I have a few different friend groups that all have a different “line” that you know not to cross and sometimes I say the wrong things to the wrong groups of people but in my head all I’m thinking is: “this made this other person/group, laugh, smile, listen to my ideas, or just give me attention” and because of this my dumb brain will just send it to my mouth to say it with out even thinking about who I’m with or where I’m at. Talking without thinking is never a good idea. I love to make people laugh and smile because if I can’t be happy right now fuck it I’ll make someone else’s day and that way we don’t all have to have a shitty day. I try to make all my friend groups happy when I’m around and I used to say or do pretty much what ever the majority said was cool or what ever and was a follower. Oh and this separate “line” for each group thing is no longer going to be a thing. I will set my own “line” not to cross and that will be for across the board. Its time people get to hear about my day, my jokes, or just a random topic that I am interested in. What I am trying to make happen here is to have what I say count and not just be some hot air bull shit to try and fit in. I don’t want to fit in I want to be me. And who am I you ask? I have no idea, I’ve spent the better portion of my life just trying to conform and fit in with others so they would like me. Its time to be me, Spray. This is me outing one of my flaws so I have to deal with this. I mean I don’t have to do anything but if I don’t change I might say something I can’t take back. Does anyone else’s brain think like this or is it just my brain being dumb? Thank you for reading.

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